Week 47 Thankful
I put off writing this because I had two thoughts on “Thankful”and was not sure which way to go. One was kind of humorous and the otherserious. I like sharing stories andexperiences but I rarely allow myself to be vulnerable. The more I thought on it the more I felt ledto share.
Looking back over my life (All 37 years) I have a lot to be thankful for. I have never taken for granted all of the blessings that have been poured down on me. My life started out in a rough spot. The situations surrounding my first few years are blurry. I have a few versions of the story but the outcome was that at 2 ½ I was placed with a loving couple. After many court hearings and 3 years they became my parents.
My child hood was happy and I felt loved. As I got older I did begin to experience the pressure of expectations for me. My parents wanted what was best for me and wanted me to do my best. Nothing out of the norm for parents to want and like many fathers of girls, mine was over protective. It was hard for him to let me be in school clubs or go out with friends. We won’t even bring up his issue with me dating and having a boyfriend. Looking back I realize now that my mom was my champion and my buffer. Things I got to do and trips I got to take were because she put her foot down.
I never was able to thank my mom for her intervention on my behalf. The once close relationship I had with my father has been rocky over these last 11 years, sense she has been gone. I have tried to find balance in loving and honoring him (and mom) and also living the life I believe God intended me to live.
This year we were going to have Thanksgiving in the new house. I had planned the meal and table setting and my father was going to come. I am not going to go into too much detail here but I will say that by the Wednesday before Thanksgiving my father had removed himself from the plans and through a message to my husband, from my life.
I do not know if or when he will re-enter our lives. I cried and spent time in prayer. I do not want a heart of stone but I have to think about my children and the effect it will have on them. To be honest this has happened before but they were younger and did not notice the time lapse in visits.
I am morning the loss of a relationship but I believe grief is a passage, not a place to stay. C.S. Lewis says “Grief is not a state but a process like a walk in a winding valley with a new prospect at every bend.” I am thankful for the life I was and am blessed with. I am thankful and celebrate what once was while looking to the future. I am ready to experience all the new prospects the Lord will provide.